I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
