oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
