I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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