Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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