so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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