just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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