Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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