I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
