If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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