Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Still dying that you shit outside
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
