I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
