Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
