He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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