I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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