Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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