no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
