Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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