Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
