I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
and you fell through a lawn chair
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
