So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
