best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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