best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
