At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize