ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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