I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
