Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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