the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
