dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
