12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize