Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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