1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm like, not good at living.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize