I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
