shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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