Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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