Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Farmville is her only friend.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
