Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
