So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
