well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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