I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
