dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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