It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
