I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
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