Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
