i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
