somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
