I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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