How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
