Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
