I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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