Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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