i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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