She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
