Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
