I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
