He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
