i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
