im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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