she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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