I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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