I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize