Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
