drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
