The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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