it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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