my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
